I've been flying missions in Bosnia,Kosover and the Gulf but I get shot down by a REME craftsman on the twenty five metre range.





"Its not that automatic,your supposed to aim it first "

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Military Time
12 Hour Time


These are lines taken from soldiers annual reports or confidentials

1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

2. A room temperature IQ.

3. Got a full six pack,but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

4. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

6. As bright as Alaska in December.

7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing,but the train isn't coming

8. He's so dense, light bends round him.

9. If he were anymore stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

10.Its hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

11.Takes him two hoursto watch sixty minutes.

12.The wheel is turning but the Hamster is dead.

How to answer a dear John letter.

Collect lots of photographs of girls.Send them to the person who sent the dear John,ask her to pick out her picture and send the remainder back to you.

How to stop someone in your room snoring

If the person is asleep give him a shake and when he wakes give him a peck on the cheek and call him georgeous.He won't sleep worrying about you therefor he won't snore.(Only works on guys who are smaller than you)





Press button















A new sign in the Bank reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research,

MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.


1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE: (Unfortunately, most of this is the Truth.!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.



Drivers first parade report

Driver-Engine number three cylinder missing.VM answer:-Number three cylinder found after a short search.

Driver-Vehicle drives funny.VM-Vehicle ordered to sort itself out and be more serious.

Driver-Gearbox hums.VM-Gearbox given lyrics for next journey.

Driver-There is evidence of an axle leak.VM-Rremoved evidence.






















Please Push The Button, but be warned, push it only once, or face the consequences!!!!







































Subject: something to make you smile on this cold grey dayINSTALLING A HUSBAND!!!

A woman writes to the IT Technical support Guy

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly underBoyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?


DEAR Madam, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. Html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly beta Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Good Looks 7.7. Good Luck Madam! Diane TaylorLEL & PD&T Administrator _________ ___ Hampshire Partnership NHS Foundation TrustDevelopment and Training | Fareham Reach | Suite 175 | 166 Fareham Road | Gosport | PO13 0FHTel: 01329 224501 | Fax: 01329 224509Email: diane.taylor@hantspt-se.nhs.uk | diane.taylor5@nhs.netWebsite: Personal Development and Training Please use my NHS mail address for all personal identifiable data and notify me through Outlook of its transmission This communication, together with any files or attachments transmitted with it contains information which is confidential and may be subject to legal privilege and is intended solely for the use by the person(s) or entity to whom it is addressed. If you are not the intended recipient you must not copy, distribute, publish or take any action in reliance on it. If you have received this communication in error, please notify postmaster@bhrhospitals.nhs.uk and delete it from your computer systems. Barking, Havering & Redbridge University Hospitals NHS Trust reserves the right to monitor all communications for lawful purposes. Receipt of this email does not imply consent to use or provide this email address, or any others contained therein, to any third party for any purposes. The contents of thisemail are protected under international copyright law. To save energy and paper please print this email only if you really need to